We suggest that you read the other parts of this series on how to deal with "Victims", "Aloofs" and "Intimidators".

Some of us play the role of the Interrogator.

1. In this role we seek to control others by addressing ourselves to their need for our approval. We do this by criticizing, doubting, giving advice and, in general, creating doubt about the others' ability or correctness in what they are doing. We are always ready to criticize how they have done something, or question why they have done it in a particular way.

2. We get their attention and can control them by making them answer to our questions about what they are doing. We play the game of who is right or more knowledgeable.

3. We also obtain a sense of self-worth by focusing on the others' faults and mistakes.

LEARNING TO BE FREE AND LOVING WITH "INTERROGATORS"

If we want to free ourselves from the interrogators in our lives, we will need to get free from the need for their acceptance or approval. We will need self-acceptance and self-confidence.

Some of the beliefs, which create our negative emotions, might be:

a. I am not worthy unless others believe so. b. My self-worth is dependent on what others think of me. c. My self-worth is dependent on whether I make the right decisions and actions d. Others know better than I do. e. I am not capable. Not sure of my self. f. I may make a mistake and then others will reject me. g. I need to prove to the others that I am worthy and right. h. It is important not to make mistakes and to be always right. i. I must have everyone one's approval.

Affirmations for emotions we might have when dealing with "interrogators"

We are interested in freeing ourselves from emotions which:

1. Cause us to give power to interrogators by seeking their approval. 2. Cause us to lose our peace of mind and our love for them.

Here a list of some frequent emotions we have when dealing with persons playing the role of the interrogator. Under each emotion are some possible set up phrases to use for that.

Note:

These lists are in no way complete. Be open to unlimited other possibilities and all their aspects.

1. Self-doubt (guilt, shame) when the other doubts or criticizes us.

Even though until now I felt self-doubt when (name of person)____ criticized (doubted, questioned) me , I now lovingly acknowledge his/her opinion while experiencing (enjoying) my self-worth and inner guidance.

2. Fear of being wrong (making a mistake).

Even though until now I feared being wrong (making a mistake) when (name of person)____ criticized (doubted, questioned) me, I now lovingly acknowledge his/her opinion while experiencing (enjoying) my self-worth and inner guidance.

3. Rejection (demeaned) of my intelligence or self-worth.

Even though until now I felt rejected (demeaned) when (name of person)____ criticized (doubted, questioned) me, I now lovingly acknowledge his/her opinion while experiencing (enjoying) my self-worth and inner guidance.

4. Pain (Injustice) because the other is not being fair. (Not giving us the approval and support we need.)

Even though until now I felt pain (injustice) when (name of person)____ criticized (doubted, questioned) me , I now lovingly acknowledge his/her opinion while experiencing (enjoying) my self-worth and inner guidance.

5.Frustration (anger) because the other is preventing us from feeling good about ourselves.

Even though until now I felt frustration (anger) when (name of person)____ criticized (doubted, questioned) me, I now lovingly acknowledge his/her opinion while experiencing (enjoying) my self-worth and inner guidance.

6. Antagonism for self-worth because we want to prove that we are right and the other is wrong.

Even though until now I have felt antagonistic with (name of person)____ concerning who is right, I now lovingly acknowledge his/her opinion while experiencing (enjoying) my self-worth and inner guidance. A possible ideal way of interacting with an "aloof"

I would like to remember that my self-worth is not dependent on what she thinks. I want to also remember that she most likely acts like this, criticizing and trying to put me down, because she herself doubts her own self-worth. She needs affirmation and is seeking it by searching for my mistakes or getting me to pay attention to her and answer her questions.

I would like then to explain to her, that I respect her and her opinions but that I prefer not to get into this game in which she keeps doubting or criticizing and I am trying to prove that I am right. I may not be always right, I do make mistakes as I am not perfect, and I will think about what she has said and get back to her on the matter if it is important. But I will not continue this game with her.

We can have totally different beliefs about some matters and still love each other unconditionally. Thus, I chose to love her without needing her approval or agreement on some matters and hope that she can do the same.

I will also explain that if she needs my attention or wants to communicate about something, then she can simply express that need, without getting into this criticism trip.

Possible positive beliefs

a. My self-worth is independent of what others think. b. My self-worth is also independent of the results of my efforts. c. The interrogator is often seeking self-esteem through my attention. d. We can love each other even when we do not agree. e. I am lovable even when I do not prove that I am right. f. I am perfectly safe even when the others do not agree with me. g. I learn through my mistakes. h. I am not perfect and I make mistakes and I can admit it without losing my self-worth and others' love. i. Being right does not attract love. Love attracts love. j. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.

A possible I-message to an Interrogator

One possible communication with an Interrogator could be the following.

"Dear, I would like to discuss with you a problem which I have with our communication. I feel myself continuously in the position of answering to your questions and doubts about what I am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and doubting me. This puts me on the defensive and sometimes I get into the role of the victim and at others I become an intimidator, or do the same to you and become your interrogator.

"This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you doubt and criticize. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I am going to try to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse me.

"Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and want us to be happy together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty one. I cannot lose my self-respect any more in this game.

"I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do. "How do you feel about this?"