As I have spoken to various groups of parents, I am continually surprised at the desperate need for information regarding fathers, especially fathers of children with special needs. Perhaps the most important realization for both mothers and mothers is that each has very distinct emotional responses and styles of parenting. Neither is better than the other, though this has the possibility of creating conflict. Consider the following points regarding father involvement:

Children who feel close to their fathers are significantly more likely to enter college and significantly less likely to have a child in their teen years, be incarcerated, and show various signs of depression.

Young males are significantly more likely to engage in criminal activity when raised without a father (and even more likely to do so if they live in a neighborhood with a high concentration of fatherless families).

Father involvement is considered a significant factor in developing empathy (the ability to understand how others feel).

Children of involved fathers are more likely to receive appropriate healthcare and less likely to be injured.

Father involvement is equally important for the behavioral outcomes of boys and girls.

It can help if both mothers and fathers examine their own family of origin and identify patterns that may be impacting the current family. How did you perceive the role of mother and father before you were married? How have these perceptions changed over time?

If there is conflict over expectations of involvement, the most important step is to talk about these expectations in a healthy way. Susan Blumberg, Ph.D. has written a number of excellent books on couple communication, including Fighting for Your Marriage.

It's also extremely important for the father to see the strengths of his children, especially if the child with a special need is first born and male. Share stories, pictures, and school work. Help your husband see the humor in frustrating situations. It can also help to have your husband share stories with other fathers. A great website pertaining to fathers of children with special needs is The Fathers Network.

Christopher Auer

Christopher R. Auer, M.A., is the author of Parenting a Child with Sensory Processing Disorder (New Harbinger, 2006). He is the board president of the KID (Knowledge in Development) Foundation, founded by Dr. Lucy Jane Miller, and was appointed by the governor of Colorado to the Colorado Interagency Coordinating Council, which oversees disability services to children birth to three throughout the state.