Savita, a student of English Literature from Bangalore's Mount Carmel College, goes with her friends every Saturday to a pub on M.G.Road. She knows her mother will never approve, so she gives different reasons for staying out. Ask her if she doesn't feel guilty doing so; she gives a pat "no". Then she reflects and says she would love to tell her parents just as she tells some of her friends; but her "mother will never understand". She asks me if "right" and "wrong" isn't relative, and why parents want to keep them on a leash. She asserts she would like to be responsible for shaping her own destiny.

Savita's mother Lakshmi is blissfully unaware of her daughter's activities, and her boy friend, with whom she enjoys a close relationship. Talk to her about Savita, and she gushes over her daughter's academic achievements and has already made plans to get her married the year-end. What if she chooses her own man? Aghast at the mere idea, Lakshmi says Savita will never do anything without telling her.

Do teenagers always tell their parents everything? "They would, if their parents are open, and share with them a "democratic" relationship, wherein they are ready to discuss and accept divergent views," says Dr.R.Parthasarathy, Head of the Department of Psychiatric Rehabilitation at the NIMHANS hospital and a specialist in child and adolescent problems. Such a healthy relationship should start very early in the child's life. Domintaing or intimidating parents push the children to be secretive. Teenage is a particularly sensitive time when teenagers would like to establish their own distinctive identity. They feel all-powerful and all-knowing; yet simultaneously they experience fears of inadequacy and failure. They still need an adult to relate to, but in a different way than they did when they were younger.

How do you maintain a vibrant relationship with your children? Dr.Parthasarathy has several tips. He advocates an assertively caring relationship, with clear and consistent rules for everyone. Children abide by the expectations of their peers and friends; so it is important to know them. Invite them home and give them importance. If you have to criticize them, do it carefully and sensitively. The daily "family rituals" like praying and eating together are important. Celebrate special days - enjoy together annual vacations and birthdays.

Dr.G.S.Uday Kumar, a senior Professor at NIMHANS narrates the story of a young boy who though only 19, wanted to marry a 35-year woman, perhaps just in defiance of his parents. During the counseling session, the doctor started discussing with the boy the commitments and duties inherent in a marriage. Before long the boy could see he was not as yet ready for the responsibilities, even if his parents okayed the marriage.

The incident shows that the absence of the backbone of communication can be very crippling. By isolating themselves as "non-understanding" parents miss the opportunity of making a difference to their children in crucial matters. Parents should be more forgiving of trivial "offences", in order to have at least a participation in major issues.

There are many ways in which you can get your teenager to speak with you. Be willing to listen to them and appreciate their points of view. Don't make snap judgements. Use open questions where the responses is required to be detailed, like "How did the party go?" rather than "Did you enjoy the party?"

Such conversations can give a clue to parents as to what goes on in their children's minds. The sad reality today is parents talk incessantly to childen about the importance of excelling in studies and the endless sacrifices they make for their education. This lopsided emphasis on education to the exclusion of everything puts a tremendous pressure on children. When they cannot rise to the parents' expectations, they feel a terrible loss of self-worth.

If parents made time to be with the children, they would become sensitive to the changes in their behavior and moods. This is especially important if the children get inducted into drug (ab)use, a practice becoming quite common in the metropolis. If you notice unexplained changes of behavior like sudden fall in school grades, frequent locked doors, furtive glances, changes in friends' group, do not treat it as a passing phase: pay attention.

Has he/she become suddenly aggressive; is there any unusual smell on the clothes; are the eyes bloodshot; is the speech slurred for no apparent reason? Question them. Any unusual defiance or resentment should alert you.

In the present days of materialistic culture and instant gratification, even carefully nurtured values of childhood can take a backseat. But with open communication teenagers may feel encouraged to confide in their parents, even if the latter do not approve of all their actions. Parents will then know how and when to intervene and resolve conflicts without negativity.